Episode 133: Dad Club (Spence)

Spence needed advice. The festival was underway and no one was attacking the family tonight, not during his watch. He wove through the grounds until he found Konrad, taking his rounds along the far end of the palace above the church. The dam was silent tonight, a pool of liquid reflecting the high summer sun.

As he fell into pace with Konrad, he took in the land outside the grounds then the land inside. “Have a minute?” he asked. It wasn’t about a minute to walk together, it was a minute to disrupt rounds.

Konrad slowed his pace, his eyes still observing a group of fire fairies passing a ring of light between them and two pixies taking turns tumbling through the vacant spaces.

“Alright.” he said.

Spence leaned against the wall, since they were taking their time watching the game while they spoke. “I’m considering quitting.”

He felt Konrad’s eyes shift from the group to him, but he kept watching as one pixie caught the ties of his shirt on fire and started flapping his wings to put it out, which only encourage the fire to burn brighter.

“What is the matter?” Konrad asked.

Aside from the pixie on fire? “I have too much going on. I don’t know how to pick, but I can’t train as your apprentice and run for governor in another realm.”

He could try, but both were neglected and his family was too. He knew it would get worse, not better, with time. Now was his chance – pass one of the roles off. Corban could be Talise’s head of security or Rhyss could be governor.

He was hoping for the latter, but if he posed the question against apprenticeship he suspected Konrad’s advice would be less enthusiastically supportive.

“Alright,” Konrad said again. “I’ll take you off the training schedule.”

Spence looked over to him, but he was moving. He waited by the wall, as one fairy pinned the pixie down and the other pulled the fire out. He would need to see his dad, to repair damage to one of his wings. He sent a message by dragon then caught up with Konrad. He let his hand graze the sheath that normally held the sword he was apparently giving up. “Okay. Guess I meant one minute. Can I have your sword?”

“What for?”

“To visit Drey.”

Last time he had died, Drey’s penchant for philosophy had given him some good advice about Ach and Talise and how to navigate his just-ended (by death) marriage.

“Death is your solution to too much going on?”

Death was his solution to receiving the wrong advice. “You’ll revive me right? In like two hours, maybe three?”

Konrad stopped walking and turned toward him, their eyes meeting for the first time that night.

“I’m not skilled at Wicca.” Konrad stated. He continued walking. “We should arrange this better if that’s what you want.”

Death was not something you played around with.

“It’s not. But no one living has given me advice I want.”

To be fair, he’d only asked Konrad. He must have recovered from the spell because his I sense of humor and reactivity had run dry.

Their pace became a casual observing pace, Konrad’s mind freely studying the grounds and beyond. “What makes you believe Drey has the answer?”

“He had good advice a few years ago,” Spence admitted. He had advised Spence to be glad he didn’t have to make the choice, since he was dead. He had also explained Aadya and their marriage.

“That death was accidental,” Konrad pointed out.

Yeah, he was joking, he knew better than to mess around with death. His goal was to die one more time in about ten thousand years.

“Was the advice an accident too? If he was alive I’d just go to his office.” he pushed back.

They walked in silence. the group of fairies and pixies were specks in the darkness now, but the shops had come into view. Music filled the air more and more, the closer they got.

“Alright. Nell and I, and Acheron. Who else would you like to revive you?”

Old Konrad was back, devoid of humor.

“Can’t you just have new advice?”

Konrad stopped.

Spence stopped Too, and turned back to face the newer, younger, mentor who had defined his life the past few years.

“My advice is, if you don’t have a passion for this work after a week of it, it’s not for you.”

This wasn’t about passion. “What if I do. But Sylem has a higher need.”

Sylem was his Talise. He had married her first and found Ach later, but she was ascending and she needed him now. There was no later.

The choice was twice as complicated as her pregnancy.

The corner of Konrad’s mouth twitched up, “You’ll have to follow your own compass.”

And they were walking again. Spence did rounds in a very different way. Maybe he should appear to be doing some sort of dance instead of just walking in the future.

Konrad spoke again, after whatever amused him settled with his pace. “Is your ability to serve Sylem greater than your ability to serve the Dells?”

By far, no. The Dells were more receptive to him.

“The Dells has Corban,” he pointed out. “Sylem doesn’t have a Corban. Rhyss… he’s a good alternative but he grew up there. I don’t know if he sees the bigger problems yet.”

“It sounds as though you’ve decided already.”

He had a funny way of interpreting the stuck sensation that enveloped Spence. If he had decided, it was through dense fog he had yet to navigate.

“But everytime I choose Sylem …. I want other advice.”

“So choose the Dells.

“… other advice.”

Maybe he needed a clone.

“Perhaps you should talk with Nell. My advice is limited to my experience.”

“Why did you settle down here?”

“Because I had found Nell and he had promised to see this through, for Drey.”

“So not for yourself.”

“Nell isn’t for myself?”

Sylem was for others. The Dells was for Ach and Fort, and more than anyone else for Talise. He couldn’t be the husband she needed but he was the dad his kids needed and he could dedicate his life to protecting hers and Niels’s.

“Okay,” Spence replied. If Konrad couldn’t offer that, the takeaway was that the Dells mattered.more.

Spence thanked Konrad and picked up the pace: it was time to find other living advice.

If Drey was his death dad, Konrad his mentor, perhaps his real dad, the one he was born from, would have an answer.

He called to Loew, because he wasn’t ready for Sam to see Luna, and leaped from the palace wall.

Loew caught him, his body blending into the water below. Spence hugged him tight as they sped off toward Sam’s house, nestled in the woods toward Dragonsback. Luna flew with them, his two dragons partners – each representing a component of choice: Love bound duty for Loew and passion for Luna.

As one of two people with two dragons, Spence knew he wasn’t good with personal choices. It seemed, then, that taking on roles that involved heavy decision-making at a moment’s notice was a bad idea, but he wanted it.

Luna descended first, then Loew followed in a spiral.

Sam was waiting outside, the light of his porch filled in with his shadow.

“Spence?” Sam said as he stepped closer. Loew brushed against Sam as he walked into the woods to lounge. “Change your mind?”

“About what?”

Sam gestured toward the house.

Spence shook his head. No way he was taking the house from his dad. “I just wanted to talk.”

Sam raised his eyebrows and pierced his limits for a second.

“Do you want to take a walk?” Spence asked. “Will Mags mind?”

“She’s not having the baby today,” Sam said as he stepped into Spence’s bubble. They walked side by side through the towering pines. It was good to see Sam, his dad, out here.

It was all thanks to Talise and their kids.

After a few paces, Sam moved a branch out of the path. It gave him a chance to look at Spence. “What do you need to talk about?”

“Life,” Spence said for the first time. He’d never sought Sam out for  advice before. Sam tended to give advice without solicitation and so it had also never been necessary before.

“I don’t know what to do,” Spence admitted.

It didn’t even matter if Sam teased him for a century about it. Spence just wanted to feel resolved. To have one path.

“Which part of life has you stuck?”

“Career choices: Sylem governor or head of security.”

He waited for his dad to say Sylem, because they were wiccan.

“What would your goals be, with each career path?” he said instead.

“Focus on the challenges facing Sylem within borders, clean up neighborhoods, rebuild Clovercrest. Here… protect Talise and my family.”

It sounded much less, to just be protecting his family and his ex. It was something he felt like only he could do. Anyone could rebuild a community. But no one else had the power of desire to.

“So you want to change Sylem?”

“Yeah.”

“Do they want the change?”

They moved into a dense area where the moonlight hardly filtered to the forest floor.

“We released all the gay people in prison who weren’t held for other crimes…so yes. Some do,” he tried to joke. It was a mess; releasing people and not following through would just hurt them more. At least there had been a fire. “Clovercrest wants better housing.”

“Do at least a third of them want the change?”

He wasn’t sure, which was a bad sign in itself. “I don’t know.”

“You have the means to force the changes, but if they don’t want it you’ll only dwindle your resources. Be careful of that, before you decide to fully delve into that.”

“They need it though. They’re dying and being abused.”

Not that they cared; they bought into cults to protect them from the struggle and the cult wars perpetuated it.

Spence had learned about different types of governments from Ach and his endless quest for knowledge. None of his books were about Sylem or cult controlled worlds. Spence assumed it was because the whole thing was dumb and didn’t work and embarrassed people once the facts were down.

Plus, putting it in a book might be considered a plea of guilt if someone ever went to court.

The court system was bad too. They might as well have a spinner and the more severe the crime the more specific your bet had to be. Stole a lpaf of bread? Black or red. Killed someone? Pick one number.

It may have been a degree more coordinated than that, but only one.

“Then help them,” Sam suggested. “The Dells are in good shape.”

“What about missed opportunity? Talise is supposed to ascend … someday…” Possibly in the next week.

He loved Talise.

“The thing about your skill set, and your closeness to Talise, is that you will always have a place here. If it needs to be now, then let Sylem go. If Sylem needs to be now, then let the Dells go.”

“And if they both need to be now? “

“Can you delegate? Assistant governor and assistant head of security? You could have sway in both.”

Rhyss was the obvious answer for Sylem. “I thought about asking Rhyss to take the governor role, and stepping into his assistant role.”

“What about Konrad? Is he intent on retiring?”

“I’m Talise’s head of security; he’s Aadya’s.”

It was one of the most important pillars of his existence, he realized: Between Ach and Talise he would never be complete without the Dells. Without them.

Sam was silent for a long time. They crossed a log that had fallen and came into a clearing.

“What?” Spence asked.

Sam was silent for another minute, then said, “I don’t think Talise is ascending any time soon.”

“She’s taking the trial next week.”

“I don’t think so.”

So she wasn’t taking the trial, for whatever reason Aadya and Meldrick were changing their mind. Or maybe something was going to happen to her that she would abdicate the throne.

No, not Talise. Not even with the divorce of her parents and how Ach like she was.

Something else was going on. Talise was too capable, and with Niels beside her she’d never fall short.

Sometimes he missed talking to her like he did while they were married. Maybe she needed some help. Those days were a mix of feelings, but he would always love her in a way. He would have led beside her if she had wanted him to. Niels, though, was as better for her as Ach was for him.

Ach was a swell of love, where Talise was a low tide rushing across your toes on the beach.

He watched Sam take a few steps ahead of him. This was the guy that had spent years in prison because he had wanted Spaden to exist, and before that they’d had him. In a world of divorces that ended well, Sam had gotten the crappy end of things. Sixteen years in jail. He’d earned it, mostly.

This was the guy that had saved his brother’s life, even when it wasn’t his own kid. He had morals, he just didn’t do what the people here wanted him to. He was on the wrong side.

Now, thanks to Talise, he was on their side. Spence wouldn’t have given his dad a chance if it wasn’t for her. Talise wanted to see the good in others, even though she was realistic.

He wondered what went wrong to make his mom hate Sam, before he was born and the Concave stuff happened. It would have been nice if they hadn’t split up.

It would have been whole, even if he had Mallory, Sawyer, and Silas now.

Maybe Sam would elaborate, tell him more about the mom that wanted to conceive him with Sam. The version of her that had rejected his other dad, Zero.

“Do you ever miss my mom?” he asked.

“Does it matter? Everyone loses people. When it happens, you either find a way to move on or you never get your life back.”

“Is there anything you miss about her?” he asked, pressing for anything.

“Why are you asking?”

For too many reasons: Selfish longing to know who Naomi was above all. But, there was more. The more made sense to share

“I want to be with Ach. I love him. But there are things about Talise that make this choice hard. Like, the desire to help people.. that’s her. From the bond. And then there’s me wanting to be her head of security…because I love the people here and my kids are the next two in line after her, and this is home. She’s why we talk. Why I was open to it.”

“What if Acheron didn’t factor into your decision?”

Like breathing didn’t factor into living? You didn’t always notice you were breathing, it was part of you. Ach was part of him. He cared what Ach thought, but he also knew Ach like an instinct. Ach would follow him down either path, just like he would follow Ach to any library.

“It would be just as hard to decide. Unless Niels didn’t either.”

“What if it was Rhyss instead of Niels?” Sam asked.

He knew about Ella and Jax? His stomach twisted. He wasn’t ready to talk about how it made him feel, how much he felt like he had lost his two babies even though he was still part of their lives. “How did you know?”

“Mags,” he replied. He held a branch, so Spence could pass through a narrow clearing.

“I don’t know,” he replied. “I don’t know him yet. But I love her and I love this kingdom.” It was why he had Loew and Luna. He loved this place so much both dragons had mated. Whatever happened to give Talise a second chance with Alojiza…it was a miracle. Paillette and Loew were a match, permanently.

He kept talking, “I love what they do for people here. I wanted to do that for Sylem.”

“Then do it for Sylem. Make it a day job, come home to your family at night.”

“And the Dells?”

“You have ten thousand years of watching someone else be married to your ex.”

Spence laughed, because he didn’t see Talise as his ex. He just saw her as his Talise. The girl that had been there for him, and loved him too. The girl that had changed his life.

The girl, above all else, that had given him Ach. Their friendship was what opened Ach up to Spence, he assumed. She was his world, but Ach was his oxygen.

It made security the perfect fit. He could honor his love for Talise in the non-romantic way he preferred, and he could honor his love for Ach by protecting their home and his twin sister. Plus, shielding him from ever having to rule. That was a big bonus.

“Okay,” Spence said. The Dells would be there and Talise wasn’t ruling yet. He could handle Sylem first.

They moved back toward the house now, and Spence relaxed a bit. Sam was someone he could talk to about anything. He was his dad. No matter what, he wouldn’t forget that,

His dad spoke again, “Is there a way to combine wanting to accomplish something, with wanting to be there for your family?”

“It’s not just being there. It’s protecting them. Sylem…” He didn’t know the right words to encompass the disdain for the realm, but the longing to see it grow. It was the greatest barrier between him and his other dad – the Lavesques were responsible for Sylem. His grandma for the worst parts, his dad and uncles for the stale parts.

It wasn’t wholly fair, they had been working to protect the capital, but in the end they weren’t making progress and they were failing people like him.

“I’ve spent a lifetime being hated by Sylem,” he finished. It would have to do.

His dad stopped and looked at him, “You can’t be on both sides of this war, Spence.”

“I want to be on this side, the Dells.” He just wanted Sylem to be on this side too.

Sam kept walking, “It’s good that you know which one you’ll choose when the time comes.”

“Which will you choose?” Spence asked.

“I already chose; family before anything.”

“I choose family first too,” he said. Even if family wasn’t Sylem. It was part of the angst. Rhyss would make a better leader for Sylem.

“I’m sorry about Ella and Jax,” he spat out.

Once again, Sam stopped walking and he turned to look at Spence. “What about them?”

Spence froze. Then he let his shoulders drop into a natural position. “That they’re Rhyss’.”

“I didn’t know that. Interesting.”

His raven landed on his shoulder and the walk continued. “Fortinbras and Emma are yours?”

“Yeah,” he replied. He was confident in that.

They walked a few more steps and he left his mouth carry his thoughts freely, “I wish I had more. That Ella and Jax were mine.”

It was the worst part of being with Ach.

“You could always marry a girl next.”

Spence ignored the comment, because there was no next. Difficult or not, he was Ach’s.

There was silence for a bit, then Sam spoke, “I’ll never forget the shock when I found out that Zane was raising you.”

They were back to the curiosity, the wonder, the wishing things were simple. “It would have been easier,” he stated. “If it was just you and mom.”

“Maybe. There are things he’s taught you that you wouldn’t have learned from me.”

“Maybe,” Spence agreed, but disagreed with too. “Thanks for talking with me.”

“That’s it?” Sam asked.

Spence took a deep breath, “Is there something you want to talk about?”

Sam was hiding something, but he tried to hide that with walking. “I don’t think so, no. I’m here, whatever happens.”

His dad hadn’t spoken like that to him before, and it made him anxious for whatever Mags might know. He also knew that if Mags wanted to tell him, she would.

“Why Mags?” he asked, instead.

“We’ll have amazing kids. And I love her. Why Acheron?”

“I love him,” Spence stated.

That was it. Ach was just love. No obligation or pressure. Ach made him laugh at life and helped him relax. He worried about the small things and dealt with monster sized problems like they were nothing.

He knew so much Spence didn’t, and he was true to himself when Spence wasn’t.

“Is he it for you?” Sam asked.

“Yes. Beyond a doubt. Bonding to him was just continuing to exist.”

“I’m here,” Sam stated.

“Thanks,” Spence replied, more anxious about Mags. He should have asked, he knew better than to let things like that go, but he didn’t want to know right now. He had just found out about Ella and Jax, he had decisions to make… whatever Sam knew, it wouldn’t help Spence now.

Instead, he headed toward Loew and took off toward the palace.

Luna, again, flew beside them. Mid-flight, he decided to switch, and Luna caught him expertly. He wasn’t good at decisions: he had two dragons to prove it.

At least Ach would never ask him to stop loving Talise. At least loving both of them in their own ways was easy. He couldn’t have two jobs.

When Luna landed, his other dad – Zero – was there.

“Spence,” he said. He was a statue in the night, tall and demanding.

“Yeah?” Spence replied. His mostly shedded teen defiance sprung to life and he just wanted to tell his dad to go away.

“We need to talk,” his dad said. He led Loew toward his stall in the barn.

“Why?” Spence asked.

“You’re having doubts about life.”

Great, his mom had talked to him about how he was behaving probably. It was art therapy or this. Both were the last thing he needed. He didn’t know how to talk to this dad about things. Zero was too put together and know it all.

Sam was a know it all, but he was upfront about it. His dad liked when you figured out the confusion thanks to his leading. Spence preferred being handed the answer and arguing the reason.

His dad was there, so he replied, “Yeah.”

“And you’re not asking your mom because you know what she’ll say,” his dad stated.

Because she’ll corner me into answering it for myself, Spence thought.

“I just wanted some other advice,” he stated. He opened the gate for Luna to join Vermillion. Luna nuzzled Loew on her way in then curled up next to Vermillion, their necks entangled with one another.

He tried not to make eye contact with his dad while they walked Loew to his stall, where Paillette’s shimmering purpleness waited.

His dad opened the gate this time, and Pai stood and huffed at Loew, who huffed back then took her spot. She crawled on top of him and reclaimed her spot, and Loew rolled onto his back to trap her in his legs.

Spence laughed a little, and his dad did too, while Loew licked Pai.

“Care to hear mine?” his dad asked.

This was the problem his kids faced: too many parents trying to ensure you were happy.

“Go for it,” Spence latched the stall and turned back toward the front of the dragon barn.

“If I asked you to go home, where would you go?” his dad asked.

“Upstairs.” Duh.

“How would you feel? With your kids and your shared apartment?”

Home, like a million rushing joys converging in one place that completed him. Like every noise and stain and mess was part of something more, something he was helping grow into something new and amazing. In love, always in love.

“Good, but tired,” he replied.

“But it’s your home, it’s where you want to be,” his dad stated.

“Yeah.”

“Then work here.”

That was a leap.  “What do you mean?”

“Do you think i wanted to be an OBGYN before I became one?”

Spence had no clue, but the obvious answer to a statement like that was no.

“But,” he dad continued. “This is home. With your mom and you guys and everyone else that matters here; family. Sylem will keep going. It isn’t your job to be everywhere. It’s your job to live a fulfilling life.”

Easy for him to say. His Sylem hospital flourished without him micromanaging it.

“But Clovercrest needs help, and I promised to be the one to do it,” Spence whined, despite knowing that whining wasn’t useful.

If he ever whined to Konrad, he’d be dead down to the core of each muscle.

“Does Konrad have to be a king to help Aadya?” his dad asked.

Spence nodded just to be a jerk. He hated being led to each answer.

His dad laughed, probably used to him by now.

“When you were little, you were always the hero. The one who saved people. Just because neither Talise nor Niels is in imminent danger doesn’t mean they don’t need you. Konrad does far more than use a sword. You would be dishonoring yourself if you rejected that. If you missed out on being the hero for them. And for your kids.”

Spence was silent while they crossed the gardens toward the palace. He didn’t want to do this tonight.

His dad was there, waiting with the dumb patience he possessed.

Spence took a deep breath. “Sometimes I’m scared,” he admitted. “That I’ll fail. Or let them down. Or… something.”

“You’re going to fail at anything you try. Make what you do something you love and you can overcome those failures.”

Spoken like an experienced screw up. Except, his dad was so put together. It didn’t make any sense that he was giving that advice in a way that implied he knew what failure felt like.

Maybe he did.

Maybe it didn’t matter.

“Okay,” Spence said.

It mattered. As his dad’s arm fell across his shoulders he knew it mattered, and that he wanted to make his dad proud too. If perfection wasn’t the standard, if he was lecturing Spence to be into the kingdom security crap, maybe he hadn’t let him down after all.

And he could still be the lieutenant governor while Rhyss was the governor.

“You’re late for training.” his dad pointed out.

“I was taking the night off.”

“Life doesn’t take the night off.”

Spence looked toward the south, where he should be training. He looked toward the palace and the prospect of a cozy bed upstairs.

He’d had three conversations with three people that cared for him, with the three father-like-figures in his life.

Yeah, life wasn’t going to wait and Konrad wasn’t going to give him another chance if he missed a night because he wasn’t sure. Kornad needed him to be sure.

“I’ll find Konrad,” he said. His dad gave him a hug, which Spence returned, and let him go.

And he was off, making the sort of decision he never could have alone. Promising to love Talise and Acheron forever, to honor the Dells over Sylem.

Rhyss, someone, would understand.

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